Yuppie Douchebag Chronicles - Memorial Day Special

Southampton, NY- Hey all you Fire Island Fudge Packers, you gearing up to man the glory holes of the LIRR this weekend or what? I tell ya, back before I had access to the company whirlybird I didn't dare bend over to tie my shoe on that train before the Bay Shore Ferries stop, much less risk being dosed with GHB by drinking a cocktail from an open cup . When you're a six foot Norse- God like myself, sometimes you attract the wrong kind of attention; it's just the price you pay. I can't help it some Capezio-clad nut-nibbler wants a piece of me, and who can blame him? He's no different from the rest of the women on this planet.

But enough about days past. This year the Open is coming back to Shinnecock. Just when you thought the rainbow coalition had retreated to the warrens of the boardwalks on the Jersey Shore, our friends at the USGA invite them back. Where the fuck they got the idea that golf was a sport for the masses I have no idea. Shinnecock really is a nice place to play though; the bartenders make a helluva Southside and the caddies are great guys. They all seem to want to carry my bag for some reason, maybe it's the fatty I smoke with them at the turn, I dunno. What I do know is that my East End Bud Dealer's going to be in his Donzi in the inlet so he can cater to Daley's needs more easily. Christ, if that fat fuck had the bud I smoke all summer with him on tour maybe he wouldn't have to beat his wife between rounds or drink on the course. Not that there's anything wrong with drinking on the course, mind you, but a man has to draw the line somewhere.

Speaking of lines, my whitebag guy out here's going to park himself at The Star Room in Wainscott for the summer. Now I don't know how much you losers know about nightclubs in the Hamptons (other than the dishwashing stations), but this place gives me the heebee- jeebees. Back in the day, it was known as The Swamp. It was a place that appealed to the same demographic as The Man Hole or The White Swallow. The High-Five must have been passed around that place faster than Star Jones goes through a roll of toilet paper. Seriously, I'm going to have to see my therapist about this or I won't be able to walk in that place without a full body condom. Who would have thought I'd actually go to her for thereapy and not just to bang her silly while she screams "Tony!" and I scream "Dr. Melfi you little hoowah!"??

By the way- we have a few positions open on the compound this summer your kids (read: hot, willing daughters and weed- dealing sons). Pay will be commensurate w/ hotness/willingness of daughters and quality of weed for the sons:

Hedge Trimmer - This will take the whole summer as it's a fucking huge hedge. No that's not The Meadow Club, that's our house.

Pool Cleaner - This will ONLY be filled by a female. Propensitly for bisexual trysts with the babydoll-du-weekend a plus.

Deck Hands - If you can tie a bowline, great. If you have a shaved snapper, even better.

Designated Driver - Former members of the SHPD given preference.

Attorney - This is one position for which you do not need to be hot/have good weed. Solid relationship with local judges a must- if they want to play Shinnecock as my guest, just let me know, but that's a get-out-of-jail-free card.

Bartender/lifeguard - If I'm drowning because you over served me you damn well better save my life as Father will be very upset.

Bodyguard- Just don't let anybody male too close, got it steakhead? You also need to be on hand to fetch smokes.

Resume's should be submitted via email to: Charles_Festerbottom@yahoo.comNo female applications will be accepted without a naughty picture.

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